Conflict Resolution in Foster Care

Growing up in foster care comes with its ups and downs. One of the major ups and downs of foster care are the relationships you build and learning that, like any relationship you build, conflict will inevitably arise from time to time. It is very important to know how to deal with these conflicts when they arise and how to move forward in a positive way.

Some of my major connections through foster care are my foster parents, Lauren, Pete, and my case worker, Marissa. I never thought I could get close to a case worker, I always had resentment towards them, but Marissa showed me there are people who truly care about their job and will go out of their way to ensure you are safe and happy. Lauren and Pete are the best thing that have happened to me, but that doesn’t mean we’re an exception to having conflict in our relationship. When we have conflicts with each other, it’s usually due to a misinterpreted text or an insecurity of mine she doesn’t understand. Experiencing these conflicts can be challenging, particularly because I sometimes struggle with managing strong emotions and impulsive reactions. During conflict, sometimes mean things are said or done, which can make things worse.

Communicating Through Conflict

At first, dealing with conflicts between my foster parents and I was really hard.  It was difficult to have a conversation, and I found myself closing off and not being receptive because I felt I wasn’t being heard.

Eventually, Lauren and I started going to family therapy which was a fantastic solution. We would have conflicts, then mutually agree to wait until our weekly therapy session to bring up said conflict. The best part was, usually, we were able to still engage in regular conversation before sessions. Sadly though, we could no longer see our therapist after about a year of having her. Since we could no longer have our weekly sessions, I began getting more anxious about what to do when we have conflicts. Luckily though, I did find some good solutions!  I found that it can be easier to resolve conflicts in person rather than over the phone. It can also be helpful to have someone else with you while you are trying to resolve your conflict. Sometimes when a conflict gets really out of hand, my case worker, Marissa, helps Lauren and I set up a time where we can meet in a neutral place to speak freely with the help of her being there.

When resolving any conflict, it is incredibly important to display understanding and empathy, and to communicate in a way that is both respectful and effectively expresses your feelings and needs. When resolving a conflict, I believe it is best when each individual has turns of uninterrupted, free speaking time. Only when the other person has fully finished may the other one speak. It can be hard to hear someone say something you don’t agree with or see it differently and it feels like you need to defend yourself right in the moment, but do your best to resist those urges and truly listen to what the other person has to say. It can also be helpful to take a minute to really let what the other person said sink in before responding. Try to understand and take into consideration what they said to the best of your ability and give some grace as you would want as well.

Protecting Yourself from Conflict

I used to always fight with my sister when we were younger. As we got older, we started getting along much better, but there was always a disconnect between us. I love her very much, but her and I can’t have a healthy relationship. Not right now anyway. A sad reality about conflict is it isn’t always solvable. Sometimes in relationships, conflicts can become too aggressive and complex. It may sound scary to hear that not every relationship conflict can be fixed, but it’s an incredibly important concept to understand. It can be hard to know when a conflict has gone too far or for too long, to realize that sometimes relationships do need to end. That is okay too! Things don’t always work out, even when it’s the people closest to you. You can love them and miss them-I miss my sister every day, but it’s better to understand you and the other person’s needs and make the healthiest choice for each other.

Tips for Managing Conflict

When managing conflict, here are some important questions to ask yourself:

• Who can I ask for help when I am having a conflict with someone I love?
• Do the pros of this relationship outweigh the cons?
• How can I communicate my thoughts and needs in a respectful, effective manner?
• Is this relationship healthy?
• Who can I reach out to for support after a conflict?