How to Share While Honoring Boundaries
Two former youth in care share good advice for ways to share your own story while feeling safe, empowered and respecting boundaries.
Desiree: I remember when I first started sharing my story in front of an audience. My story was still raw, and the wounds were still fresh. Every time I shared it, it felt like I was picking at scabs, reliving the trauma all over again. I was dragging my audience through the turmoil, whether they were ready or not. I’ve shared my story in front of youth groups and even at the White House. Through these experiences, I’ve learned the importance of setting boundaries when sharing personal stories. We need to protect ourselves and our audience. Our stories have the power to change policies, raise awareness, and show people they are not alone. However, if we’re not careful, sharing can also be exploitative or retraumatizing.
1. Is What I’m Sharing Timeless? Ask yourself if the information you’re sharing will still be important in 2, 5, or 10 years. Consider whether this information could make you feel uncomfortable in the future or potentially put you in harm's way.
2. Don't Overwhelm Your Audience When I first started sharing my story, it was the first time I felt heard, and I wanted to share everything. However, it’s crucial to think about what is safe to disclose for both yourself and those close to you. Creating a plan and categorizing what you’re willing to share with a large audience, what to share with close family and friends, and what to keep private can be helpful.
3. Practice Prevents Oversharing When I was younger, I thought I didn’t need to practice telling my story. But practicing lets you decide if you want to share certain details and if you’re ready to talk about specific topics. It helps you carefully consider what you want to share.
4. Taking Care of Yourself Having a support system is crucial. Talk to people you trust if you feel triggered. Give your loved ones a heads-up when you share your story, so they can check in on you.
Kat: During my journey in foster care, I learned how important it is to honor not only my own boundaries, but the boundaries of those around me, particularly when sharing my lived experiences. Throughout life, you may find yourself in situations where you’d like to express your thoughts, opinions, or emotions on a particular matter. However, you may find it challenging to navigate these conversations without overstepping yours or other people's boundaries. It wasn't until my junior year of high school that I learned about the concept of strategic sharing, which helped me navigate challenging conversations with ease.
When I first heard of strategic sharing, I was unsure of whether or not it could be a useful tool in my day-to-day life because it sounded like something I’d only ever need to use in a professional setting. Upon further research, I learned that strategic sharing is extremely valuable when it comes to honoring not only my boundaries but my story. Oftentimes, I’ve found myself connecting my life today with my previous years in foster care. Through this experience, I’ve discovered that difficult conversations may come up involving my time in care, and it’s important to know how to share my story in a way that’s true to my experience, but not harmful to me or anyone I’m sharing with.
Strategic sharing encourages you to think about what, when, who, and how much information you’re sharing with others. I like to think of strategic sharing like creating a music playlist. I have plenty of playlists depending on the mood I’m in, the people I’m around, or whatever I’m feeling in the moment. Like coming up with songs for a playlist, strategic sharing encourages you to pick and choose what experiences to share depending on your audience, the setting you’re in, and the conversations you’re having. This process helps you share authentically while honoring your own boundaries and the boundaries of those you’re speaking with.
This method of sharing requires you to take a moment to step back, think about your words carefully, how you’re feeling, and how the information you decide to share may leave others feeling.
Some questions I ask myself before responding/sharing are:
- Am I sharing to explain my point of view and help others around me gain a new or different perspective?
- Am I sharing because I feel obligated or pressured to?
- Am I sharing information that is appropriate and fits the topic of conversation?
- Am I sharing in a way that is respectful and honors my boundaries while honoring and respecting others?
* You should never feel obligated to share or communicate anything that you don’t want to share. If you feel unsafe or uncomfortable, be sure to honor your boundaries and excuse yourself from the conversation if necessary.
About the Authors
Desiree is a passionate former foster care alumni who is dedicated to writing about topics that are relevant to young people in foster care. She is currently studying psychology to help those who have experienced childhood trauma to heal and develop healthy relationships with themselves and others.
Kat works in healthcare and advocacy. As a former youth with lived experience, one of her biggest goals is to uplift youth voices within the child welfare system and influence policy to reflect better outcomes for youth in care. Her passions surround everything related to the art of storytelling.